#As soon as I'm done responding to comments AND doing a final read-through... I'm updating the final chapter of the Spring arc

[shyspider]

Is there a twin tails update this week? 🥺

Not this week, sorry.

Today, the readers of Smallest Stars get a turn.

[remedyturtles]

right so I'm just gonna *slides onto the bench next to you*

FIREFIGHT MAN. I've been watching the emails about updates come into my inbox for about a month and I finally had the time this past week to really catch up with all the chapters i've missed and dUDE.

Something I haven't been able to shake since I first started reading this fic was the "I love you" "i'm sorry" scenes, and the thought that would always come to my mind was- if Donnie dies in the prison dimension because of his love for Leo, then Leo would die because of how sorry he is for the things that have happened (that he's "inflicted") on Donnie. and, initially, when they first got out of the prison dimension, I thought that train of thought was getting nixed because they were so obviously alive.

.....and theeeeenn the next several chapters came for my throat

RAH. i debated on making this ask, but after that last chapter, I feel like I had to for my own sanity, bECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE LEFT THE PRISON DIMENSION, THEY HAVEN'T LEFT HELL, AND EVEN THOUGH THEIR BODIES ARE STILL ALIVE, THINGS HAVE BEEN KILLED INSIDE OF THEM

and the final kicker is that that statement STILL. HOLDS. TRUE. if leo were to die, it'd be because of the guilt and regret and hatred he feels for himself because of what he's done to donnie. and if that were true, then donnie would die because he literally cannot live without leo. it's still the same formula, it's just been horrifically warped. and yet, it's funny, because if leo had died in the prison dimension, the result very well might have been the same.

also, just want to mention a part of the latest chapter that is so well done and riding on a similar note. leo asks, "you'd really have them lose us both to prove a point?" and donnie responds with, "haven't I already shown I'm willing to do that?" which is so interesting, because it really wouldn't be about proving a point. if it came down to that, it would be because it is donnie's only option left. again- it is not about proving a point. to donnie, there would be nothing more to do without leo, so there would be nothing left to do.

and it is fascinating to me that donnie doesn't say that, or that his mind doesn't give it away, because that could mean one of two things (warning: audience speculation here) - donnie thinks he has to play this way because the only move he can make in leo's game where leo will listen is a counterclaim, and not an outright rebuttal. OR, donnie is so convinced that this is how it goes, this is how the conversation goes, only within the frames of leo's game, that he isn't even consciously aware of the fact that there is a different answer here, one that might be more true than the other statement. neither of those would be false things to say- but what Donnie said isn't the bottom of it. it's not the origin.

and that's even more disheartening, because that almost explains why nothing Donnie says makes a dent in leo's understanding. in this recurring argument, Donnie repeats the same thing, over and over again, that he DID go into the prison dimension with leo, so shouldn't that change how leo sees how much donnie needs him and cares about him and loves him? and it doesn't. it doesn't change a thing. leo doesn't hear donnie slamming his hands on the rocks, because he's heard it before. he's heard it over and over again. to leo, it's white noise. he's grown so used to Donnie screaming he can't even be aware of what he's saying anymore.

i'm not totally sure how to switch gears from that into anything else LOL, but I did want to say i'm sorry you've been feeling down lately. I saw your comment that you've been going through it, and I hope things start to look up again soon. :) If it's any kind of comfort to you, I'd love to tell you that your work has helped me get through some rough patches, and that it's inspired me to write and love writing again. You have quite an incredible understanding of how people work and work through things, and you have a brilliant author's voice. YOU'RE INCREDIBLE DUDE ✨✨✨

holy shit dude LMAO /pos

i am fascinated, chin in hands, reading this. very interesting thoughts mate. i won't confirm or deny anything of course LMAO

and since i'm here talking abt firefight, i should explain where we are in the story. when they left the PD i sat down and planned the recovery arc, which has four parts:

part one - initial rescue do not separate (done)

part two - fighting (just finished)

part three - healthy separation (just beginning)

part four - :)

just so y'all have an idea how much more we have to go lol

and thank you for the kind words. nothing is better than art inspiring art to me.

[reikomizuao3]

I prefer multichapter fics because I read too damn fast, lol

both?

My muse and i scream at each other for hours until a chapter gets written. sometimes hours turns into months

mostly in music but sometimes reading other books/fics

I would appreciate more constructive criticism, I don't get very much of it

I am my own beta and it is an extremely important process to me

I prefer third-person narration so that's how all my stories are written

The climax is the best part

I try to comment on every story I read but sometimes I genuinely can't think of anything to say

Nothing came up!

Mama Bear by ArcticVulpix; She's Mine Then by ArcticVulpix; The Liberating Power of Radical Forgiveness by green_carnation_product

Not getting feedback is EXTREMELY UNMOTIVATING. I want to know why people read my stories, I want to know what my readers like and don't like.

writing an idea as soon as it pops up in my head. I have ADHD and am likely to forget the idea within literal seconds

I put myself into the shoes of the characters, I often end up crying

I uh.....have to get off to write smut, and I'm not very good at it

Right now I'm just trying to finish the fics I currently have posted

I like nature, so I tend to go for long walks when I have the opportunity. Mostly just try to get through life until the inspiration strikes again

It depends on the story. most of the time, I'll write a plot summary before the title

"Bad Grandparent Alma Madrigal" and "Alma Madrigal Bashing" kinda go hand in hand together

I noticed that I use Alma from Encanto to vent my anger and trauma from my mother a LOT

I WOULD LOVE TO!! Where oh where are you dear co-author?!?

Incest, pedophilia, rape. Pretty much my worst triggers.

Don't give up, and don't be afraid. There's someone out there who will LOVE your work

I don't think I've ever actually gotten bad writing advice

Bad Miracle. It's an Encanto horror AU, horror is my favorite genre and it's my first time writing a horror story.

Tres Oruguitas. It's my longest fic and I'm currently struggling to finish the final chapter

The actual writing process, lol

Sometimes a sentence, sometimes 3000 words

Refer back to answer 3

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE MY ROUGH DRAFTS BUT ME

Depends on the story

TheCuriousCalico (RIP), ArcticVulpix, GamerBearMira

I'm currently working on three different novels

Published and living comfortably

Sometimes people are just fucking evil. Not every villain needs a tragic backstory

Very badly

When it feels right

Sounds fun

I REFUSE

@gamerbearmira has done amazing fanart from my fic Whatever it Takes which really warmed my heart!

I'm ALWAYS rereading fics!

Would You Rather? - With Your Lovely Host, Casita! Yes I would recommend

I don't take joy in it, but it's great for venting

Refer back to answer 6

BOTH!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

driven by trauma

it depends, lol

Refer back to answer 6

Block and delete

Tres Orguitas at 87,110 words

Total word count: 170,234

I don't always respond to comments, I'm a low energy potato

50/50 split

finally posting a chapter

I just love Mirabel Madrigal so much, she's my little cinnamon roll

I like using big words, call me pretentious

I edit as I write

Brainstorming

I tell everyone, I'm not ashamed

I was a little starstruck, lol. don't have to be a celebrity to get that out of me XD

cause i like it

I have a love/hate relationship with cliffhangers

When a woman's vagina is referred to as "her sex", I click off IMMEDIATELY

lesbians written correctly

I can't wait to finally write the last chapter of Tres Oruguitas

When people pressure me to update, I remind them that I'm a human being and you cannot force me to write faster. Also I WORK FULL TIME, I barely have time to write fanfic!

I love a good prompt. A couple of my stories are inspired continuations of other fics

listen to music, watch tv, take long walks, read books

I'm not embarrassed of any of my current works, though I do think this fic is the worst: The Accident: Alternate Ending (note: If you've never read 'The Accident' by Diane Hoh, you will not understand the context)

ENTHUSIASTIC AS FAWK

I have several notebooks dedicated to each fic and I will fine comb them before updating my stories (but my ADHD will still scramble things up a bit, lol)

most of the time i write the ending first only for the plot to end up completely different

My love of tormenting the Madrigal family (Encanto has become my vent fic fandom XD)

Does it have the "Alma Madrigal bashing" tag? Do the Madrigals suffer before getting a happy ending?

Currently, this last chapter of Tres Oruguitas is KICKING MAH ASSSSSSS

In Tres Oruguitas, Alma was going to have a brief reunion with the family at Antonio's request, but would have been banished/killed by the miracle

In Tres Oruguitas, Bruno and Alejandro cuddling in the library for the first time. Allow me to sample you a snippet:

Deciding he needed more cuddles by virtue of being adorable, Alejandro lifted Bruno up with ease, causing him to yelp loudly as the floor was suddenly no longer beneath him. Alejandro chuckled, cradling the startled man close to his chest as he settled them down on the couch. Bruno clung to him, face redder than the tomatoes in the garden, and only loosened his grip when he was sure he wasn’t going to fall.

“I-uh—heh. You startled me. Maybe a little warning next time?” Bruno hid his face in the large man’s chest, wondering how they’d gone from discussing books to cuddling on the couch.

“That’s fair. I couldn’t help myself, you’re just so cute, and I wanted to cuddle you forever.” He gave Bruno a gentle squeeze, running a hand through his curls.

“U-um, that’s—wow, you think I’m cute?”

“Yeah, you’re my adorable ratoncito.”

Bruno’s face may as well have been glowing at this point, and he let out an embarrassed squeak. Alejandro cooed at him, giving him another gentle squeeze.

Get to know your fic writer!

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[therentyoupay]

Hi, I was just wondering if technical difficulties is abandoned?

I hope you’re doing well!

*drops in after 5 years and 4 months with a technical difficulties chapter update*

*disappears*

cover art made by @angel-gidget ♡

03/08/23. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, ALL, LONG LONG LONG TIME, NO SEE. ♡ Can you believe it? When I first published this story (first to tumblr, then to ao3), I had just moved to Japan! When I posted ch. 7, I was still living in Japan, and would stay there for another 7ish months... and in the 5 years and 4 months since posting the last chapter, I have moved to three different cities in the United States and started a Ph.D. program. (I am currently halfway through my PhD program!!!!!) What a wild ride. Also, we lived through the pandemic?! And I bought a house! Over the summer! The market was vicious.

So, then how did I get the inspiration/time/energy/motivation to write Ch. 8, you ask? Marvelous question. I lied down in bed last night to go to sleep "early" and ended up reading an utterly hilarious play-by-play commentary on Bad Books, Good Times of a popular fantasy novel series—and I'm not quite sure what it was about "poorly written books explained by hilariously clever book lovers" but I suddenly had a craving for fanfiction, so I opened up my Books app on my phone, and my eyes fell upon a sudden recommendation for my downloaded copy of technical difficulties. And I thought, "Am I suddenly and weirdly in the mood to jot down some notes to start Ch. 7 right now? By golly, I think I am."

4.5 hours later, I'd written the whole damn thing from scratch on my phone in my Notes app. (Messily! Half-assed! But I wrote all of it down!) I then spent another 6.5 hours today filling in the gaps and "editing." This chapter (and the one that will follow it) has been in my head for more than half a decade, but I just haven't had the space to get it out until now!!

I think one of the most beautiful parts of getting a PhD is how completely it blows your perfectionism tendencies utterly to bits, and one of the really interesting byproducts that has come up in my acdemic writing is just how quickly I can crank out decent-enough writing (skill-building!!). In my case, I think so much of it has to do with just being able to word vomit fairly well while not trying to fix anything until the whole damn thing is basically done. So, I applied that knowledge here! Behold!

This isn't to say that I'll be writing the final chapter anytime soon—I may be on spring break right now and may have had a stroke of Writing Inspiration in the Wild™ last night, but I'm still finishing my last semester of classes and learning advanced Python and working on my milestone paper for my doctoral program and preparing to present at my next conference in June and preparing my proposal for my dissertation next fall. BUT! The important thing is that I will post the last chapter of this story (and all my other stories)! Eventually!! ;)

No BETA for this chapter because I gotta THROW this out onto the internet and get back to coding, so bear with! I may do minor edits for it in the near or distant future. Also, please note that I have not watched any episodes of Miraculous Ladybug after the finale of Season 1, so this fic is very much a ~time capsule~ from the past. If there is any additional lore that might otherwise apply to the plot of this fic, please know that I don't know about it, and I am keeping myself selectively ignorant on all matters of Miraculous Ladybug season 2 and beyond until after I finish this story the way I originally intended. ♡ Woo!

as for, tumblr, sadly, to be honest, I'm never really online anymore! I'll respond to comments here on ao3 ASAP, though. ♡ LOVE YOU ALL, THANK YOU. ♡♡♡

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

my tears ricochet

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

[warnings: death, and funeral]

word count: 4829

[a/n: sorry for such a long wait. I've been busy. I thought once I was done for the semester I would have a lot more time to work on my stories, but if anything my summer break has been more hectic. Just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been working on them. Just know that I am working on the new chapters for this and for TKWBA, just need a bit of patience from you all. Also thank-you for the continue love and support on all my work]

Series Masterlist

Tag list info here [if you want to be tagged please read this]

Age: 21

Year: Sep. 2015

Location: Brooklyn, NY & Stanford, CA

Elizabeth was sat at her desk doing her homework. She was anxiously waiting for Steve's call about the baby arriving. He had called her two hours prior to let her know that Natasha had gone into labor, and they were at the hospital. Steve told her that he'd call her as soon as he heard the news. She tried her hardest to focus on her homework, but she found herself constantly checking her phone for any updates.

Suddenly her phone started going off. She instantly picked it up and answered the call.

"Is the baby here?" She immediately asked.

"Liz," Steve choked out.

"Steve, what's wrong?" She could hear the distress in his voice.

"Natasha, she," he tried to say but the words got caught in his throat, and she could hear the soft cries.

"Steve, breathe," she tries to calm him down the best she could without actually physically being with him.

Elizabeth was simultaneously trying to keep herself calm, and not rush into any assumptions.

"She died," he said after calming himself down enough to tell her what happened.

"She died?"

"I guess there were complications, he tells her, still unsure of what exactly happened.

Steve hadn't thought to ask further into what exactly happened when Bucky's mom called to tell him the devastating news. He couldn't wrap his head around what she was telling him. He just never imagined that this would be the outcome of his best friend welcoming his first child into the world.

Steve clears his throat trying to force the lump back down.

"I'm catching the next flight out to New York," he tells Elizabeth, "I just gotta be there for Bucky."

"Yeah, of course," she says, completely understanding.

"I know you can't exactly fly out now, without letting your professors know, so as soon as I find out all the funeral," his throat catches at the word, he takes a small breath, "all the funeral information I'll let you know."

"Okay that works," she agrees.

"Okay. I haven't to pack real quick and get to the airport within the next hour," he tells her.

"Okay, I'll let you go."

"Wait, Steve," she calls out before he could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she says with a shaky voice.

"I love you too, so much," he says, "I'll text you when I board the plane."

After one final goodbye, Steve hangs up the phone.

The flight seemed like Steve's longest one he's ever been on. As soon as he landed he quickly grabbed his carry on, the only thing aside from his backpack that he brought with him. Elizabeth had messaged him letting him know that she could bring more of his stuff once she flies out.

Steve made his way out of the airport to find his mom waiting for him by her car. He quickly made his way towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

On the drive to Bucky's apartment Steve sent Liz a text letting her know he landed. He then called Bucky's mom to let her know he was on the way.

"Thank-you for coming out Steve," Winnie thanks him, "The baby is just about to get discharged, we should be at the apartment before you get there."

"Of course, I'll see you guys soon," he says hanging up the phone.

Steve then sends a quick email to his boss and professors explains his absence and why he'll most likely be gone for a couple of weeks.

An hour later Steve's mom was stopping outside of Bucky's building.

"Let them know I'm here if they need anything," his mom tells him before he exists the car, "I'll come back at noon with lunch for everyone."

"Thanks Mom," he says leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Steve exists the car leaving his bags with his mom. He takes one final breath before walking to the front doors. Steve presses the call button for Bucky's apartment and was immediately buzzed in.

As soon as he reaches Bucky's door, he knocks quietly. The door opens and he's welcomed by Rebecca. He takes in the sullen face on the teenage girl.

"Hey Bec," he says.

"Hi," she quietly says, as they hug each other in the door way.

When they pull apart she steps aside letting him inside.

"It's just my parents and I here. Bucky didn't want to deal with a lot of people right now," she explains to Steve.

"Steve," he hears from his left, Keith, Bucky's stepdad makes his way out of the small kitchenette over to him, and embracing him, "Thank-you so much for coming. We know you're a very busy person."

Before Steve could respond Bucky's mom Winnie walks into the living room.

"Oh Steve," she immediately wraps her arms around him.

"Thank-you so much for coming on such a short notice," she says. Steve could hear the shakiness in her voice. He could tell she was trying to keep it together. No doubt the last 12 hours being the most stressful and emotional she's ever been.

"There's no need to thank me. This is where I need to be," he tells them.

"Let us at least pay you back for the flight," Keith says.

"No, don't worry about that," Steve waves him off, "I had a lot of miles that needed to be used."

"Well, thank-you again," Keith nods his head, understanding where Steve was coming from.

"You can go on ahead Steve. Bucky is waiting for you in the nursery," Winnie tells him, giving him an assuring nod, he nods back making his way towards the nursery.

The short walk seemed like it was much longer. Steve has never felt so nervous in his life. When he approaches the closed door, he softly knocks on it.

"Come in," Bucky calls from inside.

Steve walks in, closing the door behind him. He's immediately greeted by Bucky sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, feeding his newborn daughter.

"Hey," Steve softly says, not sure what to say.

"Hey," Bucky greeted Steve with a sad smile.

It had been 12 hours later and it still didn't feel real to Bucky. The hospital had even offered the chance for him and Poppy to stay a couple of days, but all Bucky wanted to do was to go home and get away from the hospital. But now being back in the apartment without Natasha was surreal. He was trying his best to keep it all in, at least while the baby is awake and needs him.

He was determined in being the one that cared for her, even when his mom offered to take care of her for a few hours while he gets some rest. He assured her that he needed to do this. He had to do it alone, because he knew that soon enough it would just be him and Poppy.

Bucky was very grateful when he heard Steve was flying out. He felt like Steve was the only one he could really talk to about everything going on.

Steve was still standing by the door, just watching his best friend be a dad for the first time. He had no idea what to say in this kind of situation. The words were caught in his throat the moment he actually saw Bucky.

"Thanks for coming," Bucky says breaking the silence. Steve immediately looks away from the baby to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You would've done the same thing," Steve says, "And like I've said before, I'll always be here for you."

"I don't care how far, I'll always be on that first flight to you," Steve continues, he glances down at the now sleepy baby, "You're my brother Buck."

There was a moment of silence between the young men. Both understanding what the other one means with such few words.

Steve watched as Bucky gently placed the sleepy baby on his shoulder to burp her.

"It suits you," Steve quietly remarks.

"What?" Bucky looked up at him confused.

"Fatherhood, it suits you," Steve says again, stepping closer to his friend.

"You think?" Bucky looks back down at the now sleeping baby.

"Yeah. I know it's only been less than a day, but you look natural. Make it look easy."

"Thanks," Bucky smiled, getting up for the he chair and walking over to the crib to gently place Poppy in.

Steve walked over, standing next to Bucky, watching the little one sleep peacefully.

"What's her name?" Steve whispered, realizing that he hadn't found out what the name of the baby was.

"Poppy James Barnes," Bucky proudly says.

"That's cute," Steve commented, he placed his right hand on Bucky's left shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Bucky looked over at Steve and they both nodded their heads in agreement, before falling into an embrace.

"I am so sorry," Steve quietly says.

"It happened so quick, she barely even got to see the baby," Bucky quietly cried into Steve's shoulder, "I never even thought of this would be the outcome. I never imagined I'd be coming home solo with the baby."

Steve tightened his embrace on Bucky, just listening to his friend.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Steve. I don't know how I'm going to raise her without her mom. I'm trying to keep it together to not worry my mom, but fuck Steve, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'll screw this all up. I'm scared I'll screw her up.

"I'm so scared Steve," Bucky cries.

"It's okay to be scared," Steve tries his best to comfort Bucky, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't scared. This is entirely new territory for you. You're raising a child, a child who unfortunately no longer has her mother. That alone is a fucking terrifying thing to go through.

"It's not going to be easy. There's no point in lying to you, and saying it will. You and I both that won't be the truth. But if there's anyone I know who could do this, it's you Buck. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever has happened before this doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is that little girl. And I know damn well you're going to give her the best life she will ever have," Steve pulls away from Bucky and holds onto his shoulders.

"And you're not alone in this. You have a lot of people who care about you, and now Poppy. You will never be alone. You'll always have someone to call, someone to help you. You're crazy to think we would ever leave you to do this alone. We're here, and we're not going anywhere. You and Poppy will never have to be alone. She might not have her mom, but she's got you, and I know damn well you won't ever let her wonder what being without one parent truly feels like.

"You've got this Buck," Steve assures him, "And we're here every step of the way."

"Thanks Steve," Bucky sniffles, wiping the tears away.

"No need to thank me," Steve smiles, "Now why don't you go take a nap. Get some rest. We're here if Poppy wakes up."

"Yeah I could use some sleep," Bucky yawns, his adrenaline from the last 12 hours fading away.

Steve walks Bucky to his bedroom and watches as he gets into his bed, and quickly falls asleep. He quietly closes the door behind him, with the baby monitor in one hand checking to make sure Poppy is still asleep.

He walks back into the living room, placing the monitor by the tv for everyone to see and hear.

"They're both asleep," Steve announces to the room.

"Oh thank goodness," Winnie sighs, "James hasn't taken a moment to rest since everything happened."

"Knowing Bucky, we'll probably have to be forcing him to rest for the next couple of weeks," Steve says.

"I just got off of the phone with Natasha's father," Keith said walking back inside the apartment.

"What did he say?" Winnie asked.

"He said that the funeral is all up to us," Keith sighs, "Something about how Natasha made her own path with getting pregnant, and that once she left she was no longer his responsibility."

"He really said that?" Winnie asked mortified.

"I'm afraid so," Keith sighed, "I tried reasoning with him saying we would handle everything financially and he can come to the funeral but he said no."

"What kind of father doesn't show up to his own daughter's funeral," Winnie shakes her head in complete disbelief.

"Explains why Natasha was the way she was," Rebecca whispered, so that only Steve could hear her.

He reluctantly agrees.

Two weeks later

Elizabeth was helping Steve with his tie in his childhood bedroom. She had flown in yesterday for today's funeral services. Elizabeth had gotten in late last night, so she still hasn't seen Bucky or Poppy yet. She was a let to get a week off of work and her professors gave her an extension on her assignments when she explained to them what happened.

"I still can't believe Natasha's dad isn't going," she says as she straightens out Steve's tie.

"Bucky's mom is still holding out hope that he shows up," Steve says.

"What does Bucky think of it all?" Elizabeth asks.

"He's not worrying about it," Steve explains, looking over himself in the mirror, "His only concern right now is Poppy and only Poppy. If Nat's dad shows up then he does. But as of now Bucky has made the decision that he will not be in Poppy's life. Not until he proves himself."

"That's very mature," she says grabbing her purse.

"This Buck is like a whole new one you've never seen before. Fatherhood has made him a thousand times more grown up these last couple of weeks."

"That's good."

"Ready to go?" Steve asked her, grabbing the keys to his mom's car.

"Yup," Elizabeth says following Steve out.

Bucky had asked Steve to pick him and Poppy up, and Steve had of course agreed.

They arrived to Bucky's apartment in fifteen minutes. Walking up to Bucky's door they could hear a lot of commotion coming from inside. Steve used the key Bucky gave him to let himself and Elizabeth in.

As soon as they walked in they were greeted by the sounds of a baby crying.

"Buck?" Steve called out.

"We're in here," he calls from the nursery.

They go to the nursery to find Bucky looking frazzled while trying to change Poppy's diaper.

"I'm so sorry. I'm running so behind," Bucky tells them, glancing over his shoulder quickly,

"Poppy didn't sleep well last night. And nothing I've tried has been working."

"It's okay Buck, just take your time," Steve calmly says.

"I still need to shower, shave, and get dressed," Bucky rambles, "She's going to need another change of clothes because she spat all over herself, and my mom only bought this one outfit for today."

"Hey Bucky, calm down," Elizabeth calmly spoke up, placing her hand on his back, "Take a breath."

Bucky felt the warmth and comfort from Liz's touch. He listens to what she says and takes a deep breath.

"Okay good," she says, "now you go get ready. Steve and I got this."

"Okay," he nods his head, handing the baby over to Elizabeth, "thank-you."

"Of course," she softly smiles at him, "now go get ready."

Bucky quickly makes his way out of the room and into his own to get ready.

Elizabeth looks down at the small baby in her arms. She could see so much of Bucky in the baby with hints of Natasha. It was a little strange for her to be holding Bucky's baby and it not being her baby as well. Not that she ever wanted to get back together with Bucky, because she didn't. There was just a little voice in her head, that of her teenage self, saying how it was supposed to be them, doing this together.

She quickly shut the voice down.

Elizabeth was incredibly sympathetic of Bucky's situation. All she wanted to do was be there for him, as a friend. She wanted Bucky to succeed as a father, and she would do what she could to make that happen.

Steve silently watched Elizabeth watching Poppy. He couldn't really read her expression. He hates to admit it to himself, especially with everything going on, but he was slightly worried about how Liz would react to all of this. He had faith in their relationship, of course he trusted her immensely. But he still couldn't help but feel like she might decide to leave him for Bucky. Elizabeth turned around to see Steve looking at her with a distant look in his eyes.

"You good?" She gently asked, breaking him from his self-destructive thoughts.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah," she nods her head, handing the baby over to him, "I'm going to try and find her a new outfit.

"Okay," Steve says sitting down with the baby.

"I love you," Liz quietly says to Steve, knowing what could possibly going through his mind, if hers was also wandering.

"I love you," Steve replies back, finding himself relaxing at just hearing those three words, any doubt slipping away.

30 minutes later Bucky was ready to go. He walked out to the living room where he found Steve and Elizabeth sitting with each other holding the baby. He paused for a moment taking in the scene in front of him. He felt a sense of warmth and low flow through him as his closest friends admire his daughter. In that moment he knew he had made the right decision in what he would tell them next.

Steve glanced up to see Bucky leaning against the frame of the hallway.

"Ready?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, but I actually wanted to ask you two something before we go," Bucky says walking over and sitting on a chair next to the couch.

"Sure, what's up?" Steve leans forward, leaning on his knees, giving Bucky his full attention.

Elizabeth tears her eyes away from Poppy to also give Bucky her full attention. She smiles at him, letting him know he could continue on.

"I first and foremost just want to thank you Steve, for what probably is the hundredth time," Bucky says, "I know you have a lot going on with work and school. So I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for Poppy. And you too Elizabeth, I know you're incredibly busy especially with law school prep. And with everything that's happened between-"

"Don't," she stopped him, "What's past is past."

"Well anyways, thank-you," Bucky says, "Now here comes what I wanted to ask you two. There's no other two people I wouldn't trust more with Poppy. So I wanted to ask if you would be her godparents?"

"Really?" Elizabeth asked taken back by Bucky's request.

"Yes," he nods his head, "There's no one else I wouldn't trust with her if anything happens. It'll help me sleep better knowing she'll have two people who'll love her like I would. Two people who have so much love between them, that I know will always be together."

Both Steve and Elizabeth were taken back by Bucky's last statement. They knew Bucky had accepted their relationship, but to actually have him not only say it out loud but to practically give them his blessing, it meant the world to the couple.

Steve and Elizabeth both share a look with tears glistening in their eyes. Elizabeth nods her head.

Steve turns back to Bucky, "We'd be honored to be Poppy's godparents."

Elizabeth and Steve stood up to hug Bucky. All filled with a wide range of emotions. Bucky felt a huge sense of comfort after asking Liz and Steve to be Poppy's godparents. He knew he made the right decision, and he knew he could now sleep better at night knowing his daughter would be taken care of. And by two people he knows can love her the way he does.

After what happened with Natasha, Bucky just wanted to make sure Poppy would be taken care of. If she couldn't have her parents, then she would have the closest thing to having parents. And Bucky knows Steve and Elizabeth would be amazing parents.

That alone allowed him to be at peace for whatever may happen.

Arriving to the funeral location Bucky felt his nerves start to spike. He sat in the backseat looking out the window at the familiar faces walking into the chapel.

"You okay?" Elizabeth asked turning in her seat, after Steve parked the car.

"I don't know if I can do this," he mutters, glancing towards the sleeping baby in the car seat next to him.

"We'll be right next to you along the entire way," Liz calmly says.

"If you feel too overwhelmed we'll leave whenever you want," Steve tells him, "We won't stay if you absolutely can't handle it. No one will hold it against you."

"Okay," Bucky takes a deep breath.

"Stay here, I'll get the stroller out," Steve says, getting out of the car.

"No one is expecting you to be brave, Buck," Elizabeth says, "You're allowed to be vulnerable. You're allowed to show emotions."

He nods his head, taking in what she's telling him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small necklace. Clutching onto it as if his life depended on it.

Elizabeth catches the small 'N' on it, realizing that that was the necklace Natasha wore everyday since she was 13.

Bucky takes one final deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

"Okay, I'm ready," he tells her.

"Okay, let's do this."

Bucky was grateful that they arrived only minutes before the service started. Everyone was already seated in the pews.

He slowly walked down the aisle pushing the stroller, Steve and Elizabeth walking right behind him.

Bucky tried his best to avoid any eye contact with everyone. He couldn't bare to look at the pity in their eyes.

He caught sight of his family siting in the second row. He also noticed a man sitting alone in the first row.

He instantly knew who it was.

Once Bucky reached the first row, the man made to movement to greet Bucky.

Bucky cleared his throat, "Mr. Romanoff."

The older man looked over at Bucky, then at the stroller.

"James," he stiffly said, turning his attention back to the front.

Bucky awkwardly sat down placing the stroller next to his legs, away from Natasha's father, while Steve and Elizabeth sat next to Bucky.

The service was going smoothly up until the priest announced that Natasha's father would be making a speech, catching everyone off guard.

Bucky looked at the older man as he walked up to the stand. He turned around to face his mom, "Did you know this?" he whispered.

"No I didn't," she shook her head.

Right as Mr. Romanoff was about to start speaking, Poppy began to cry. Bucky quickly went to get her out of the stroller, while Steve quickly went to grab a bottle to help him out.

As soon as the baby calmed down Mr. Romanoff began to speak.

"First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for coming," he begins, "I really appreciate it. Natasha would be eternally grateful for all of you."

Bucky started to get annoyed by the beginning of Mr. Romanoff's speech. As if the man didn't turn down the invitation for the last two weeks. Now he's trying to act like the perfect father, as if he didn't kick her out and cut off his pregnant daughter.

"Natasha was a kind hearted person. Only wanting the best for those closest to her. She was the most selfless person you would have ever met," he continued on with his speech.

Elizabeth couldn't help but be confused by Mr. Romanoff's speech. She hated thinking ill of the dead, but that man had no idea who his daughter truly was.

"Natasha was so smart, earning her way into Yale. She was only months away from graduating. I was so incredibly proud of her. If only we would've gotten the opportunity to watch her walk across the stage.

"Other than leaving an everlasting impression on all of us, she also left behind a part of her. Her last moments on Earth was spent bringing in another Romanoff," he says.

Bucky's head snapped up to Mr. Romanoff, then towards Steve.

"Romanoff?" Bucky whispered, "This man has the fucking nerve."

"Ignore him," Steve whispered back, trying to calm Bucky down, "He's just saying all of this to make himself look good."

"Natasha brought her daughter into the world," Mr. Romanoff continued, forcing fake tears to fall, "I remember being by her side as she was in labor."

Bucky clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to call Mr. Romanoff out on his lies.

"As she was dying," Mr. Romanoff paused for dramatic effect, "Her only request was to name her daughter after her."

Steve paled his hand on Bucky's shoulder, trying his best to calm him down. It was too late, Bucky was already placing Poppy in Steve's arms.

"What a fucking lie," Bucky stood up shouting at Mr. Romanoff, causing everyone to gasp.

"James," Mr. Romanoff said through gritted teeth, as a warning.

"How could you just lie to all these people?" Bucky shouted, "How could you lie as if you didn't disown Natasha months prior when she told you she was pregnant. Or when my parents kept inviting you to the funeral, you kept saying no and how Natasha's decisions led to their death. How dare you say you were in the delivery room. As if you didn't have her number blocked.  My mom and I were there when things took a horrible turn. We were there when the doctor walked out and told us Natasha didn't make it. Not you! Us!

"Then you go on to make some shitty story about Nat's last words. Which is completely false. Natasha never wanted to name the baby after herself, you'd actually know that if you were actually present in her life. But you weren't. And you sure as hell will never be a part of your granddaughter's life."

Bucky turned to Steve and Liz, "Let's go."

They nodded their heads and helped put Poppy in the stroller. They followed Bucky as he walked out of the chapel.

After leaving the funeral services, Steve was able to calm Bucky down. Winnie had called Elizabeth to let her know that the burial services the next day were officially going to be private. Liz agreed that that'd be best for everyone involved. Especially with what happened during the funeral services.

The burial service was only attended by Bucky, and his family, along with Elizabeth and Steve.

Everything went along smoothly. Everyone giving Bucky the safe space to grieve.

After the burial, everyone gave Bucky a few moments alone at the grave site so he can say his final goodbyes.

"Hey Nat," he pauses taking a deep breath, "these last two weeks haven't been the easiest. But boy have they been amazing. I may be more exhausted than I've ever been, but boy is she worth it.

"She may only be two weeks but I can already tell she's going to be the most amazing person ever," he softly cries, "You would've loved her so much. But like I promised back at the hospital, she'll never not know who her mother was. I will always make sure she knows who you were. Always."

"Goodbye Natasha," he whispered, before walking away to join his family waiting.

Age: 26

Location: Brooklyn, NY

Year: 2020

"Daddy, what's this?" Poppy calls out to her father from his bedroom.

"What's what petal?" He asked walking into the room, finding her surrounded by boxes, as they prep for their move uptown.

"This," she holds up the small necklace with the 'N'.

Bucky kept that necklace in a small box in his nightstand. He kept it at the bottom of his nightstand for safe keepings. Planning on one day to give it to his daughter. He always planned to wait until she was 16, but he figures now is as good as ever.

"That was your mommy Natasha's," he said walking over to her, and sitting next to her on his bed, "She got it when she was 13, and wore it every day up until when she died."

"It's pretty," she says admiring it in her hands.

"It is isn't it," he smiles at his little girl, "It's now yours."

He grabs the necklace from her little hands. He unclasps it, then gently moves her dirty blonde hair to the side. He places the necklace around her neck, and clasps it shut.

"Thank-you daddy," she smiles brightly at her father, admiring the necklace that now lay on her chest.

Bucky smiled at his daughter, watching as she kept admiring the necklace. It was a little big on her, but he knew she would grow into it.

"Anything for you baby," he kisses the top of her head, "Anything."

[fritae]

The Missing Piece - Ch 10

Worries 🌸

gang! au / ceo! au

characters: dabi x f. oc, lov

status: ongoing

read on ao3 here.

I spend hours turning in bed, replaying Dabi's words to me earlier.

He cares about me.

Right?

That's the only way I could interpret what happened. He got angry on my behalf, even though he didn't look it.

My cheeks redden as I recall how warm he was to hold, despite most certainly being the most awkward hugger I've ever met. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to remember what it was like.

It wasn't a short hug...but I wish it was longer.

Snap out of it, I tell myself with a groan.

I'm so touch starved I can't believe a hug from Dabi would make me feel this way.

I jolt in bed when I hear the front door open.

"Aliyah?"

Within moments, my suite mate bursts into my room, jumping onto my bed.

"Who is he?!" She screams with glee. "That's your boss?!"

My heart paced with excitement. "Yeah. Nice, right?"

"Nice?!" She jumps up again. "He's so hot - but something about him -"

She suddenly stops.

"What?" I ask her cautiously.

But after a few moments of consideration, she shrugs. "I don't know, forget it. I feel like I've seen him before."

I shrug. "Might have run into him at a corporate event or something? The company may not be all that but Dabi looks like he's been around."

She nods. "You're right, that's probably it. And oh my god," Her voice picks up, that excitement creeping in again. "Mr. Lane's face! He's so pissed you don't even know, oh my god, he's probably still fuming! He didn't even last for the whole dinner, he called his new secretary and told her to run a background check on Mr. Dabi and the company."

"He's a psycho," I laughed. But then a troubling thought occurred to me. "But he wouldn't do anything to the company, would he?"

Aliyah shrugs. "Beats me. You can never tell with Mr. Lane."

I shake the thought out of my head. Choosing to focus on the good (and the fact that Aliyah is here early for once!), I eagerly share what life has been like for me at the Blaze. I leave out certain details of course, especially those conferencing Dabi and company intel, but I'm overjoyed by Al's interest.

And when we finally say goodnight, hours after we were supposed to, I lay in bed again - already thinking of tomorrow.

- --

"Dabi won't be in today," Tenko tells me in the morning.

I pout.

"Why not?"

He shrugs. "He told me and Jin to put a pause on new intake for the next few days so I don't think there's much to do, either. Honestly, if you want to go home from now, you probably can."

He didn't ask for any updates or give me instructions this morning either. I thought maybe he was waiting for me to come in to let me know what we'd be doing today.

He said he'd see me tomorrow, I remember. I try not to feel disheartened. He's a CEO, after all.

It's just...I was looking forward to seeing him today.

"You gonna go?" Tenko snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Oh," I say apologetically. "Nah, I'm used to being here all day. I'll try to make myself useful somehow."

I leave him and head for Dabi's office and go through his correspondence, rescheduling any meetings he would have had today or tomorrow for later in the week. If he isn't in the office today, he'll likely want to be briefed whenever he comes in. He won't be in the mood for a meeting.

Hours and hours pass as I spend my time overlooking the company employees and making a record of potential clients.

After I finish a few late night phone calls for Dabi and make notes of the most urgent things he should know when he comes in tomirrow, I decide to go find the others.

But when I walk into the lounge, the only ones I find are Atushiro and Toga. They're huddled together on the couch, talking in hushed tones.

It is pretty late at night. Perhaps they went home already.

"Hey guys," I say with a smile, carrying a few sodas with me. Immediately, they sit back and put some distance between them.

"Hey," Toga says. They accept the sodas with a smile.

"What've you been up to?" I ask them. I pop open my can. "It feels like there isn't much to do today."

"Why do you sound upset about that?" Atsuhiro comments with a laugh.

I get flustered at that. "I know, I know. I'm a workaholic. I don't know what to do with my life outside of work."

"Go home!" Toga says with a groan. "You've done more than enough today! Dabi specifically didn't give us work and you're over here doing extra."

I groan. "I don't want to go home though, what would I do?"

They both laugh. "Normal people things! Watch a show, paint your nails, order Chinese - you know, hashtag self care or whatever."

I roll my eyes, stalling for time. I don't know why, I just don't feel like going home just yet.

I put my phone down and lay back on the couch.

"Maybe I'll just stay here."

"Go home!" They shout.

I laugh and put my legs down.

"How come you guys aren't going home?"

The two of them share a look.

"We have things to take care of later tonight." Atsuhiro says.

That makes me sit up. "Ooh what kind of things? For Dabi?"

He nods.

I feel a pang in my chest. Why did he give them something to do and not me?

But they've been here longer, I try to reason with myself. They're friends and partners. He's known them for years. If anything urgent comes up, of course they'd be the ones he reaches out to.

I think quickly. "Is he coming in later or something?"

Toga hits me. "No, he isn't. Are you trying to find an excuse to do more work?"

I shake my head with a laugh, but I secretly feel...disappointed. It's not that I want more work, I just...was hoping to see him. Work just happens to be the only way I can do so.

Of course he isn't coming in later, though. It's already 10pm. Most of the company clocked out hours ago. And he undoubtedly has things to do if he hasn't come in.

He didn't even have time to respond to my text.

"Okay," I sigh in defeat. The two high five each other, and I pout as they lead me downstairs.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I tell them quickly as I leave. "If you guys need anything at all, just shoot me a text!"

"We'll be good, don't worry about us!" They wave.

I shove my hands in my pockets and make my way to the bus stop.

They'd text me, right?

But something dawns on me just before I get to the bus.

I freeze, my fingers digging around.

But there's nothing.

I pat all around me and check my purse for good measure.

"Shit, I forgot my phone!

I quickly run back to the Blaze.

---

I enter the marble doors again, only for some reason there's something different in the air.

As I make my way upstairs, I hear a murmur of activity. There's a frown on my face as I try to figure out what is going on.

I head up to the lounge, but this time it is empty and the lights are all off.

The only sounds come from Dabi's office at the end of the hall.

Is something wrong? I wonder with a frown.

I make my way to his office, my heart pounding in place.

With a single knock, I turn the knob. And my heart falls as I lock eyes with Dabi sitting behind his desk.

Dabi immediately sighs, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. "Shit."

"What's going on here?" I ask.

Standing around him are Tenko, Jin, Toga and Atsuhiro, the last two staring back at me with wide eyes.

No one answers me.

I look from one face to another.

Eventually Dabi looks up at Jin, an unforgiving glare in his eyes. "What the fuck happened to she left?"

Jin shrinks under his gaze. "That's what Toga told me!"

I feel my heart fall. Was he avoiding me?

"Do...you not want me around?" I swallow.

I don't look at him as I ask, afraid of what I might find in his face. So he was. I glance around, hooking my purse on my shoulder and turn around. "Sorry, I just came back because I forgot my phone. I'll- I'll go-"

Dabi pushes his chair back. "Rina, wait-"

But when I look back at him, I gasp.

My hand unconsciously covers my gaping mouth.

"Dabi, you're- you're..."

He's bleeding.

Not a drop or two this time.

But a circle of red adorns his lower left side. He holds a now equally red rag to the area to stop the flow. I look at him in horror but he turns his face away from me.

"Fuck," I hear him mutter through gritted teeth.

"Dabi, what's-" I feel my eyes water.

I immediately run up behind his desk, my hand clutching the one he holds to his wound.

"What's wrong? You're gonna be okay, right? What do I do- we need to take you to a hospital - Toga, help me! You're gonna be okay Dabi, I'm here."

Toga shuffles forward but Dabi glares at her. "I'm not going to a fucking hospital, I'll be fine." I feel bad for the way he yells at her. After all, it was my suggestion. "I just need to stop the bleeding."

I turn back to look at the others, but the lack of shock on their faces stuns me.

"Did you guys know about this?"

Atsuhiro runs his neck and avoids my gaze too. Suddenly the frequent questions about when I'd go home made sense.

"I see." My voice cracking. "Is that why you guys were waiting for me to leave?"

"Well, that NNTV douchebag-"

"Toga!" Dabi growls.

I turn to Dabi, my blood turning to ice. "Does this have something to do with Mr. Lane?"

He ignores me. "Take everyone and leave." He tells Toga. When they don't move immediately, Dabi snaps. "Now."

The team scrambles out the room. If it weren't the circumstance, I'd laugh when Jin stumbled. But as soon as we're alone, I turn back to him and clutch the lapels of his jacket.

"Don't lie to me," I say. "Please Dabi."

The man groans and sits back on his chair, as if there wasn't blood dripping out of his side. I pull up a seat and sit next to him, my hand closing in on his, holding the rag in place.

"We're gonna have issues with Lane," Dabi mutters. "I uh, went to see him today. But...it's like he was expecting me."

"Why would he be expecting you?" My mouth drops. "You mean to tell me Mr. Lane did this to you?"

Dabi sighs.

When he takes to long to reply, I press the rag harder.

"Hey!" He grimaces. "Okay, okay. You know how I told you I have business to take care of on the side?"

"Yes."

"Well. I think he found out a couple things."

I lean in closer. "My friend told me about that! She said he ordered a background check on you, he wanted to know everything."

Dabi shrugs. "Yeah well, if he knows who I am, then he doesn't just have everyday knowledge. He probably deals with shady shit too."

Too?

My heart pounds in fear.

"And who the hell told you to go pay him a visit!" I hit his arm. Dabi immediately groans and I recoil. I cautiously touch his arm. "Sorry."

He shakes his head.

I motion for him to go on as I find a little bowl of water under his desk.

As he talks, I absentmindedly take the rag and rinse it into the bowl. He probably intended to do that himself had I not come in. I squeeze the blood out and just as I am about to press it against his skin, I wince at the sight. The blood was dripping out slowly, meaning the wound wasn't too deep. But that's clearly a stab wound. Dabi got close enough to someone that they were able to pull a knife on him.

What if it had been worse? What if I had lost him today?

"Dabi," I interrupt him. He looks down at me, the blue in his eyes could be green in this light. I softly brush my thumb against the wound. His eyes darken in response, and I feel my heart ache at the way he grabs my hand. "Stop."

"Who told you to go to him, you idiot," I punch his arm again. "What the hell were you thinking."

He grips both my hands now. "I had to send a message."

"What kind of stupid message was worth this?"

"Now he knows not to mess with my people." Dabi replies. My eyes go wide.

I'm part of his people.

The thought brings a blush to my cheeks and I get angry at myself. Look where that got him.

If he is like this after hearing one conversation between me and Mr. Lane...

"Besides..."

I wipe my eyes into my elbow.

"He probably won't be taking any more cars for a while now," Dabi smirks. "If that guy of his didn't pop up out of nowhere.."

He leaves that open ended.

Did Dabi really plan on hurting Mr. Lane?

The thought sends a shudder down my spine.

Just who was Dabi.

What did Mr. Lane find?

"Were you going to..." I whisper. "..you know."

Dabi looks completely nonchalant, as if he had gone to leave Mr. Lane flowers or something.

"I was just gonna scare him." He says, and despite everything, it sounds honest. "Sure, he didn't think I'd go that far. But I miscalculated too. Now I gotta fuck him up before he tries to fuck me up."

I swallow. Is this what Dabi meant by information comes with a cost over here?

"I'm sorry Dabi," I tell him, my tears falling over my now bloody hands. "I didn't want you speaking to Mr. Lane and if I-"

"Relax," Dabi cuts me off. "I'm going to make use of that guy. I'm just trying to find the right moment."

I let go of the rag.

"You can't be possibly planning on seeing him again."

Dabi doesn't respond.

The tears start to fall again. "You promised me I wouldn't need to worry about you," I say, my voice getting shakier and shakier. "You said goodbye and see you tomorrow, knowing you were fucking going to Mr. Lane today!"

Dabi looks at the door in alarm, and his eyes narrow. He grabs the hand I'm waving in his face and I could tell his patience was running thin. "Rina, I'm trying here. If you saw what Mr. Lane looks like now you wouldn't be so worried about me. But I'm gonna need you to lower your voice."

I turn my face away from him and wipe the tears from under my eyes. Dabi suddenly gives me a weird look and I glance at my hands.

Fuck.

I grab a napkin and rub the blood off my face until I can wash it off later.

He watches me cautiously. I don't meet his eyes as I take the rag off to rinse it again.

"Stop moving," I mutter, lightly dabbing his skin with the wet cloth.

Dabi hisses.

"Sorry. Does it hurt?"

Dabi groans. "I can take care of myself, you know."

"Just...shut up. Stop moving so much."

Dabi grows silent.

For the next half hour, I continue my ministrations, avoiding his gaze. I know having me so close to him makes him slightly uncomfortable. But I don't care.

"Take off your shirt," I tell him once the bleeding seems to stop. "I'll try to wrap it up."

"No."

I look at him, my eyes ever more hurt.

"No," He repeats, his voice more stern. "I'll do it myself later."

Without thinking, I lean against him and close my arms around his torso.

"I know you keep saying not to worry but what am I supposed to do when you walk in looking like this?" I whisper against his chest.

He looks up at the ceiling, trying to hold his breath.

"You've gotta stop doing that, princess."

My heart beats faster.

"Or what?" I challenge him, hugging him tighter.

He glances at my lips ever so briefly and looks away.

"You'll fuck me up."

I ignore him and hug him anyway, not caring about the stains that undoubtedly cover my shirt now.

I don't know long we stay that way.

Dabi doesn't hug me back this time...but he doesn't move away either.

I wish I could know what he was thinking. What he means by Mr. Lane knowing who he is, and what uses he may have for him. What he did to him today and how he was able to slip free.

But every day, I discover that more and more secrets exist between us.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Going home' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Going home"

Chapter Summary : They were able to escape hell and now, they were back together after not been able to see each other for days. Yirina & Park could finally taste their freedom as they will be going home soon....Yirina's new home....

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3300

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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We were now back together for good. Our pain to be inside those cells awaiting to be brainwashed again by the Perseus Collective and lamenting ourselves about our fates were finally over despite the hard moments we had to face to escape this hell. I managed to survive that Bell and I was able to feel Park's presence near me in days....we did it but our fight against Perseus is very far from over and now, because of our state and the conditions we've been facing, the others preferred to send us back to England....my new home I can say....yeah, England is my home now, we're going home....

Me & Park spent the rest of the day to relax, not forgetting to tell her everything that happened to me in those 2 weeks & she also did, explaining that she was suffering the same fate as me : been kept for some tests with Adler that apparently did have the same results as the one I did with him but when I cracked up under the pressure, she told me that they were starting to hurt her an little, to make her face the pain she faced back in North Korea before they decided to make the drugs tests on her until me & Sonya liberated her...she was able to keep faith...

Now, the next day in the evening, the 17th of June was the day of our departure from Verdansk and of course, we were both able to find back our old stuff we couldn't take to our mission in the Yamantau, putting my hands again on my diary that I haven't write for days now and to me, I even had to look back at everything in it to make sure that it wasn't vandalized by someone here and hopefully, it was all clean.

"Already preparing your bags ?" That was Woods asking to us as he was seeing me & Park at our respectives desk in the safehouse that was empty today with only me, Park, Woods & Sims present here as Wolf & Song were gone for the day in Verdansk.

"As you said, the plane that will take us can arrive at any moment." I was the one to reply to him after I finished to pack up my bag, keeping my diary near by out of it. "So, we prefer to be directly ready once it arrived." I added.

"Yeah but you're looking an bit overexcited to leave the place." He stated with an raised eyebrow.

"Why we can't be ?" Park spoke up in an half-funny tone, moving to help her as we were told, drugs were still inside our systems and I was sometimes afraid for her with that fact. "It's better for us to return to London than...be here." She continued, rolling her eyes around the main room.

"I'm joining you in that part to be somewhere else than here." He revealed to us, making me laugh as in the room, he was the person that spend the most time here.

"At least, we're leaving." I exclaimed, helping Park with an part of her stuff.

"With what happened, it was sure that the MI6 wasn't going to let you here but you both know that you will one day come back to work with us." He said, crossing his arms.

"We know." Me & Park both whispered in unison, knowing well that our fight with Perseus isn't done.

"Hey, just saying." Woods was thinking that we weren't happy about it, gesturing that it wasn't his fault before he saw our smiles on our faces when we saw him like that.

"I just wonder of something, Woods." I started after I was finished to help Park with her bag as I moved to reach my diary, an question. "Is anyone has tried to put their hands on my diary ?" I demanded from him, showing my diary to him.

"You better answer, Woods." Park adviced, an grin on her face as she was sitting back on her chair.

"No, not at all." He responded, sounding very sure of his words but for me, he was hiding something.

"Woods." I muttered, still holding the diary.

"What ?" He breathed, confused.

"Tell me the truth : did anyone of you read my book ?" I repeated my question, putting an threatening tone to my voice to him. If I had to put an scare in him if I can, so be it !

"Yirina, like I told you, no one read your book." He affirmed again, making the same gesture like before and he was sounding good enough to convince me to resign myself. "I was the one to avoid the others to do it, you know how Wolf was when he saw you with it." He make me remember that moment in the plane and hopefully, I was pleased that Woods was the one to be 'the protector'.

"It's all I wanted to hear, thanks !" I expressed my gratitude to him before I moved back to put my diary back in my bag along with Lazar's one and seeing it along mine...it was making something to me..."If only he was still here..." I talked to myself in an very low voice about Laz'....Park noticing me but staying silent about it.

"I don't know how much time you will be out but it's sure that you will come back." Woods told us again about it, looking at the wide opened main door leading to the outside. "We'll try to keep you updating about the situation and see if the MI6 can help us from afar." He continued, removing himself from the desk he was leaned on.

"We'll see how it goes." I commented about it before fully closing my bag, my eyes looking at Park and smiling at her, reciprocated by her. "You're alright ?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I'm just impatient to be on that plane." She replied in an low voice, seeing her face almost white.

"Go take some water, you're looking pale." I suggested to her and she quickly nodded and by luck, there were just an bottle of water on the desk near by, causing her to take it and drink it entirely. "Not so fast."

"I'm good, Yiri, don't worry." She reassured me despite the low voice she was still having.

"With drugs in your systems, it wasn't the best idea to keep you here." Woods exclaimed, true in his words, I was maybe more resistant to the drugs even if there were some moments I could feel bad but it was dangerous to stay here. "And now, you all going back to London."

"I guess we missed home." I smiled an bit to him about that.

"I think that you will happy to find back your friend, 'Zed' and their girlfriend, Portnova." He confided to me as I was taking my bag in hands.

"I know, I...." I was going to continue to speak until I stopped myself, troubled by an little thing from him. "Wait....how did you know that Portnova was their girlfriend ?" I asked him as it was something I never mentioned.

"Well, you told me that." He responded, seeing an little drop of sweat on his face.

"Woods, Yirina never spoke about it at all." Park spoke up, taking my defence as both of us were realizing that Woods wasn't 'the protector' of my book because he read it.

"You read my book !" I raised an eyebrow, sending him an deadly glare as I was ready to move towards him, mixed between be angry & joking.

"Listen, I can...."

"The reinforcements has arrived !" We all heard Sims voice, cutting Woods in his words,  coming inside the main room through the main entrance as we could hear noises from an incoming plane arriving near by. "Did I....step in the wrong moment ?" He questioned us, seeing me & Woods.

"Not at all." I replied to him with an grin, going back to normal.

"Good, you should be coming then." Sims ordered, going back outside as Woods was quickly following him to avoid my angriness to hit him.

As our presence here was ending, it was time to take our bags and leave that safehouse maybe for forever. To avoid Park to be bad at any moment because of her state, I volunteered to take her bag in my hands, now holding hers & mine as we both go out of the safehouse, staying near her at any occasions as we could observe an small private jet plane landing on the runway...I wonder how the CIA is managing an runway without been discovered by the soviets in here.

Now, we were with Woods & Sims awaiting to see the persons that will replace me & Park here but I was surprised when it was only one person coming out of the plane with an bag in their hands : it was an woman with black hair that was almost looking like Park and Woods was the first one to greet her as she was getting out of the plane to put her feets on the ground.

"Hello, miss Petrov, welcome to Verdansk." He saluted her, sounding nice as he was offering his hand.

"Oh, you must be the famous Sergeant Woods." The woman said in an lovely voice to him before she moved her hand to shake it with him. "I'm Liliya Petrov, you can call me Liliya." She presented herself clearly to him.

"Uhm..." Woods was looking to blush on his face....that was an first...."Liliya, this is Yirina Grigoriev & Helen Park from the MI6." He gestured to us as we moved to shake hands, me having to put the bags down to do that. "They're the persons you're replacing as an cryptographer."

"I heard an lot about you two, to be honest." Liliya said to us in an good voice, meaning that everything was rather nice than bad...at least, that what I hope. "I'm glad to meet you."

"Us too." Park spoke for me & herself and we were sharing the same feeling about her.

"I heard that you were one of the best cryptographer in the CIA, is that right ?" I demanded as I was just curious about it.

"I don't want to say that I'm the best, I'm just doing my part of the work." She responded honestly and it was enought for me to be convinced by her good side. "And I hope that I will continue to be doing that." She added before turning around to look at Woods. "And I'm very happy to be working with you, sergeant."

"Please, call me Woods." He told her in an voice that was sounding stunned by her.

"Or Frank if...well, I'm thinking too far." She thought before she shook an little her head, taking back the bag she left on the ground.

"Sims, you can show her desk, I'll be coming soon to do the rest." He ordered to Sims, trying to look away, seeing the blush on his face as Sims was moving with Liliya to get inside the safehouse, leaving me, Park & Woods near the plane that will take us away.

"Is there love in sight for the famous Sergeant Woods ?" I scoffed about that as I never thought to see Woods blush in my entire life.

"Oh, damn you, Yirina." He said, urging to make me an middle finger, still blushing.

"Remember that you read my book as I forbidden it, so get lucky that you're not the one to be damned." I attacked him back on the subject with an clear voice before I offered my hand to him. "Guess it's time for us to leave now." I said, now ready to leave the USSR.

"Yeah, I hope you will be recovering fine during your vacation." He told us as he moved to shake hands with Park in an slower way before he let us to get inside the plane. "Goodbye, enjoy your moments." He added as we were getting inside the plane.

Park was the first one to get inside, staying behind her with the bags in my hands as we both installed at the first seats we could see, facing each other and putting our bags away as the plane was starting to take off but like I thought, Park wasn't feeling so well and it was better that she was going into sleep now for the whole flight back to England, surely arriving back in the early morning next day. She was quickly to sleep after I handed over an nice blanket to her and me...I wasn't sleeping.

There were an thought in me, urging to...take an look at Lazar's diary in my bag and for the first minutes of the flight over the USSR, I was resisting the urge until I resigned myself to take it in my bag but as I wanted, I will only read one single page of it as I didn't want to give myself too much pain by reading what Lazar wrote on it.

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Eleazar 'Lazar' Azoulay

First entry :

1st June 1976

After an long time, I was finally given the right to be an full operative on the field by the Mossad and as thoughts were given to me, I decided to write on my own in this diary even if I don't know if I could really write an lot due to the missions I will be given in an short time but I can start by presenting myself, why not ?

I was born in Washington D.C, the 25th of October 1948 but I only lived two years in the US before my father moved the family in Israel after he accepted an job at Tel Aviv. My life went pretty basic except the part where I was exceding in every domain in sports.

I moved in London to make my studies, gaining at that time the perfect nickname of 'Lazar' that I prefer before I became an member of the Israeli Defences Forces and then, some years later, the Mossad recruited me as an explosives expert but also because of my skills in the field.

With that new role in my life, it's time to do something right !

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Right in front of my eyes was the handwriting of Lazar himself, giving me details about an part of his life and I wanted to read more but it was at this moment that I saw that some pages were removed from the diary as the next page I could see was talking about something years later and by that, I was an bit disgusted to witnessing the missing page and because of it, I put the diary back in my bag, not wanting to read it for an long time before going back to my seat....only wanting now to go to sleep....

When I opened my eyes, I was leaned against the wall of an room that was looking like an interrogation room but I wasn't the captive but one of the captors with Freya herself as we were keeping an man, tied up to an chair by his legs & only his left arm free and by looking at it, he was badly hurt, his shirt almost fully blooded, his face messed up along with his hair while Freya was in front of him at the other side of the table between the two.

On that table, there were an map of an region and as I could see from where I was, it was in Afghanistan...Afghanistan....1980...That map was something of interest as Freya was trying to have something from interest as Freya's hands were tapping on that map multiples times, we were trying to find something from him and I wasn't willing to raise my hands on the man but Freya was the one to do that, seeing the bloods on her fingers.

"Are you going to speak or what ?" Freya asked him furiously, slamming her hands again on the table. "Tell us where are the mujahideens are hiding in those mountains !" She clarified her question to him but he wasn't speaking.

"I don't know." The man replied but that wasn't enough for Freya who punched him hard in the face. "Please, let me go, please." He pleaded after the punch, almost crying.

"Listen..." I started, deciding to step in the interrogation. "Do you have family, sir ?" I demanded to him in an curious tone as Freya moved aside to let me get in front of him.

"Yes...two boys...and an little girl." He responded to me, looking at me scared.

"Do you see this place on the map ?" I pointed to him, an place on the map that was an small village near some mountains and he nodded. "This village is starving to death and the soviets are planning to move to give resources to the people." I added, staying serious. "But the mujahideens want to attack the soviets and loot anything from them, including the resources."

"I...." He was in an loss of words when I was speaking.

"This village is full of children, of innocent people and they are dying because of the mujahideen presence and if they succeed in their attack, the village will not survive." I make myself clear to him, moving my hands away from the map. "So, please, tell us where they are hiding, you could save an lot of lives and...by tonight, you could be back with your childs." I said, speaking the truth here.

"There ! They're hiding there !" He whispered, moving his only free arm towards an position on the map, an few mountains away from the village I pointed to him before I pull out an pen to make an circle of where he was showing me the location.

"Good, thank you, sir." I thanked him in an good voice, putting my pen back in my pocket and then, also the map. "You saved an lot of innocents today and we will let you go back to your family." I added, turning my back around to get the map back into my jacket.

"Wait, no..." I heard him say loudly until the sound of an pistol echoed in the room and when I looked around, jumpscared, the man was now having an bullet in the head...Freya...aiming her pistol to him.

"What the fuck was that ?" I yelled against her, angry about what she did. "He gave us the intel, why did you do this ?" I demanded furiously.

"No loose ends, didn't you hear Perseus ?" She asked me back normally as she was putting her pistol back in its holstler. "We couldn't let this man talk freely about us." She continued, turning around to look at me. "This is our job, Yirina."

"No, I didn't agree on killing innocents and you too !" I shouted to her, trying to put the good senses in her.

"No one is fucking innocent in this world." She exclaimed in an angry voice, moving to face me as my eyes drifted for an few seconds on the dead man. "This is how Perseus think."

"Not me and you too, what happened ?" I told her as she put her hands on my arm.

"I'm perfectly fine, Yirina." She replied with an grin that I couldn't make back on my face after what she did. "I'm doing this for the good of us, our own good, remember your proposal to me." She whispered, putting her hand on my cheek as I was looking down.

"I don't know." I muttered.

"We could talk to Perseus about an wedding, you know." She proposed like that, like if she was completely forgetting what she did before she moved to make an kiss on my lips.

"You changed, Freya, you changed !" I proclaimed, removing her hands off my face in an gentle way.

"No, I never changed, it isn't me who changed." She claimed, surely thinking about me as she start to move away from me. "The cleaners will took his body away, come." She suggested, arriving to open the main door of the room as I was still standing at my position, still shocked like if I could feel his blood on my hands....

"Come on, Yiri, it's time for us to be going home !"

[roaring-screaming-20s]

Deleting Tumblr. NOT CLICKBAIT

The main points (but please read the other stuff)

I've become phone addicted because of mental health issues and procrastination issues.

Tumblr is getting in the way of vital tasks. I may be homeless and starving in the cold soon, so I can't risk this app distracting me anymore.

I'm not deactivating any of my blogs, only deleting the tumblr app off my devices.

I still have the same art career goals and will still post art and respond to comments/asks/commissions/requests/etc. I will have to use the computer lab to post, though, so it will be less often.

My main personal blog, @supernovaunstableartist is the main source of mindless scrolling and addiction, so the only thing I'll be posting is art and updates on my art career, if even that.

I'm late on rent, don't have enough money to cover it, and have two weeks max of food

If you want to help me survive, please consider donating to my PayPal or Ko-fi

Growing up I had siblings who were addicted to their phones and I liked to make fun of them for it because I always told myself I would never be that person who is glued at the hip to their phone. However out of depression, anxiety, and what I believe to be is ADHD and severe procrastination issues, I have found myself addicted to my phone.

Most of the addiction is Tumblr. Most days I just mindlessly scrolled for hours, procrastinating vital life-or-death responsibilities, trying to pretend it's not real. That nothing's real. That life is a game. That I'm fine. I desperately try to find joy and meaning, but am wasting my life away and distancing myself from the people I love and the real world.

Tumblr is one of the best social Warrior sites. Sometimes that can be harmful, but this site also genuinely does a lot of good things. I am addicted to the activist side of Tumblr. It makes me feel like I'm a good person. It makes me feel like I'm doing good things in the world and that I'm not a useless waste of space who's contributing to all the problems I like to complain about. I almost feel a sense of purpose here.

On top of that, it is a home to a huge Steven Universe fanbase which is I showed I'm largely obsessed with and somewhat dependent on to cope with my depression and childhood issues. Steven Universe has gotten me through a lot. It has taught me a lot about mental health and family and parenting and how to grow as a person. It's been a huge source of inspiration and growth as an artist and made me want to pursue a career in making cartoons.

Which brings me to the final, most practical, reason I am addicted to this site. My art. This is the main platform I use to showcase my art and growth. Its is where I go for inspiration and joy. It is where I feel understood and related to and accepted within the steven universe artist community. I am addicted to the feedback I get and the thrill of posting my art. I am desperate for approval and validation.

But what about my art career? My dreams? My followers? Well, for people following my @supernovaartblog and @supernovaartportfolio , not much will change. I am deleting tumblr from my devices, not deactivating my account. I will still post my art. Commissions are still open. I will still answer asks and requests. I just won't do so as often. There is a computer lab at my apartments, so I will have to get up, get dressed, walk, open tumblr, open Google photos, sign in to Google photos, and manually login if I want to post anything or check notifications. I hope that all this extra effort will force me to limit my use to only what is neccessary to advance my art career, and slowly wean my addiction.

If you follow me on my personal blog @supernovaunstableartist , I am not deleting this blog, as I feel my posts have done a lot of good and spread alot of joy. I don't want to erase all that work. However, this is where most of the addiction, mindless scrolling, and shitposting happens, so I will rarely, if ever again, make any posts. If I do post, it will likely be art or updates on my art career.

With all that being said, as a goodbye, and an epilogue of sorts, this is where I am in life:

My mother is still living with her boyfriend a few towns over. I have cut her out of my life and blocked her everywhere.

My little sister is 16 and still in foster care. She's barely hanging in there and is trying to get my grandma to take her.

My brother Ciqala is in Ohio traveling and working.He is lonely and misses his daughter but has tried and failed to make things work with the mother.

My big sister Mersaides hates me as much as ever and is still ignoring me and not letting me see my niece or nephew. Since Tosha moved she is now living with my grandma.

My aunt tosha and her kids just moved to Indiana with her ex husband for a "new start" after the trial concluded and my uncle was only given perole after molesting and attempted rape on multiple girls, on top of using meth.

Last I heard, my cousin that assaulted me didn't get charged but isn't allowed near me.

I haven't seen my therapist or psychiatrist since I turned 18, nor have I gotten my medicine, because I could not afford it. I've been off meds for almost a year and struggle with trauma, depression, anxiety, what I beleive is ADHD, and severe procrastination and dissociation.

I went to a mental hospital for a week for suicidal plans. I started working the day after I got home, but I still don't have enough for rent.

Rent was due January 1st, and due to bullshit maintenance fees and then late fees is now $451.54. I just got paid only $359. I have enough food to last a week, maybe two if I semi starve myself. I make 7.35/hour and get 20 hours or less per week.

I am still very depressed, and often consider suicide. I'm trying, but I'm kind of drowning.

And... that's what you missed on glee! If you have any last questions or or help or words of love, I'm holding off until late tonight. That's about 15 hours from now. So long and goodbye friends. Our shit posting will always have a special place in my heart ❤❤❤